Sleepless Nights...Not a fan of them

I really miss sleeping like a normal person. My husband and I are on completely different schedules and it drives me crazy. It is all so frustrating. This week, he is getting home from work just hours after I wake up.

I'm getting a lot of reading in during my sleepless nights. We just started a new book in the book club and are suppose to be half way in about a week and a half. I made it to the half way point today. I really don't want to read on because it's a mystery book and don't want to accidentally give anything away during our discussion. Instead, I went back to Into the Wild which I had started before the book club started. I've really lost interest in it but I'm determined to finish it. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be done with it. But that means I'll have to start another book so I have something to read between now and when we have our discussion.

When I'm not reading, these late nights give me way to much time to think. What does my brain normally revert back to? Babies. Everyday it seems like someone else is announcing a pregnancy, posting milestones in pregnancy, or actually having a baby. I am just so frustrated and stuck on how it isn't fair. The feeling that something is missing in our lives is getting stronger and much more painful, well, at least for me it is. Rob has other things that keep his mind occupied. I might be crying about it less but the hole inside me feels like it is getting bigger by the day. A gloom tends to be setting in more. I bounce between anger, pain, resentment, and sometimes I do cry. When will it be our time? I am so tired of waiting and dealing with all of the pain and emotions that come with waiting. It haunts me that it might be a dream that will never become reality.

I think the lack of sleep and change in my routine is causing me to have so many emotions going on at once. Maybe they feed on each other. I don't know what's causing which and why but I'm ready to be done with both. I need to get in control of both. I need to sleep like normal. I need to get over my extreme emotions that I am tired of dealing with. I'm tired in so many ways.

Well, I think that's enough of me complaining.

Have a great night and day tomorrow.

An emotional post...

So this week has been challenging emotionally for me. One of my dearest friends told me that they recently found out that they were pregnant but that it sadly ended in a miscarriage. I haven’t talked about the struggles Rob and I have had since being here in Texas on the blog, but one of those huge struggles was that we’ve experienced 2 separate miscarriages since August. Talking to my friend the other day brought all those emotions back up.

I never go a day without thinking about my two babies and how big I would be right now if I hadn’t lost the pregnancies. I think about how we would have the nursery set up and everything else that has to be planned for when a baby arrives.

With the second pregnancy, we had heard the heart beat which gave me the go ahead to start a registry and begin planning the nursery. I began keeping a pregnancy journal, bought a baby book, bought and read numerous pregnancy and parenting books, and took pictures of a belly that I was ready to watch start growing. Having to come home from the ER and see all of the things I had begun planning was heart breaking. Touching my belly, not feeling the tightness that had already begun, and knowing my baby was no longer there haunted me day after day.

The first few days, really weeks, were really challenging. I lost count how many times I cried. Eventually, the tears happened less often. But then, all of a sudden, I would have a day that I couldn’t control my emotions and I would get overwhelmed. Seeing a pregnant woman on the street, hearing that some I knew was pregnant, or seeing that someone’s baby was born often set me on a downward spiral. I began fighting off feelings of “why not me” and “they don’t deserve a baby like we do”. Did I mean those things? Maybe not every time but with some of them, I was right.

I never expected to be so angry afterwards. Sadness, yes, but the anger I had towards people and the short temper that came with was a surprise. What’s the one thing that set me off the most? When people would tell me they experienced the same thing but then eventually they had a baby. Most of the people already had at least one child before having problems. Not the same thing. If you already have at least one child, you know the joys of being pregnant and being a parent. Rob and I, on the other hand, have fears that we will never be able to experience any of that.

I feel horrible for my husband because half the time I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how to deal with me and my emotions. Even though I know that our miscarriages hurt him, I don’t think men truly get the pain that women feel. The whole saying that a man becomes a father when his baby is born, but a woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she’s pregnant is truer than I ever thought.

I’ve battled with thoughts that something is wrong with me that I can’t carry a baby right now. I’ve always felt that being a wife and a mother were the reasons I was put on this earth and now all of sudden, becoming a mother has been an extremely hard battle.

I know everybody says that life doesn’t always work out the way you want it to but I think this is slightly ridiculous. It doesn’t matter because although this is the toughest battle I have ever been in, eventually Rob and I will win the war one way or another. For now, I will live everyday thinking about the babies we won’t get to meet and dreaming of a day that we will one day hold our baby and tell them about their older siblings.

And I think this is where I’ll end my story for the day.